Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Best Job in America: Professional Democrat Voter

The United States Ministry of Truth on Saturday released a new report confirming what nearly half of all Americans already knew: That professional democrat voters have the best and most fulfilling job in America. The study observed nearly 300 million Americans over a period of 32 months, and concluded that professional democrats have the best job in the nation by a wide margin.

While at first the results seemed perplexing to some, that's just because they're either Republicans or Tea Baggers, and in either case are too stupid to comprehend the results of the study.

One great example to illustrate why democrat voter is overwhelmingly the best job in America is the Occupy Wall Street movement. By now, we're all familiar with the professional democrat voters who have been occupying the Manhattan thoroughfare. It's no coincidence that Wall Street makes up one of the largest and wealthiest collection of uber-rich crony capitalists who in the months and years leading up to the 2008 election funneled hundreds of millions of dollars to Pinocchiobama in an effort to buy the 2008 presidential election. The most significant impact Wall Street's money laundering machine has had on the NYSE's phony occupiers is that by doing its part to get Pinocchio in the White House, the Occupy Wall Street protesters were granted their wildest wet dream in being awarded the right to work for the next four years as professional democrat voters.

With Pinocchiobama's victory, the Occupy Wall Street protesters and slothful drug addicts across the fruited plain won the right to work as professional democrats for the next four years. They were guaranteed a full-time salary for no less than three years (a time period the President of the United States is fighting tooth-and-nail to extend). The job title is somewhat of a misnomer, as the name for it is "unemployment benefits". Obviously, the term "unemployment" was meant to be interpreted in a figurative manner.

The benefits package offered by their new employer includes free food for the duration of their employment. They were issued company credit cards called SNAP, which is an acronym for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program. The credit cards can only be used for food and groceries, which has led to some controversy among professional democrats who are disgruntled over the fact that their company credit cards cannot be used to purchase illegal drugs.

The job comes with a number of benefits, including completely free healthcare and company-issued housing, which for some comes at a drastically-reduced rate well below market value, and for others is completely free-of-charge. (References: Section 8, Public Housing, Fannie May, Freddie Mac).

Professional democrats and their children also get free education from pre-kindergarten all the way through college.
In order to become a professional democrat, all a person (for lack of a better term) need do is vote for democrats in nationwide elections. While some may be inclined to write this off as an easy job, professional democrats aren't just expected to vote for democrats. They are expected to vote for democrats several times at several different polling locations on election day. This can be very hard work, especially when their government-subsidized vehicles (remember "Cash for Clunkers") run out of gas. The most outrageous part about this is that the company doesn't even reimburse for mileage, forcing some professional democrats to carpool or take public transportation to and from work.

All things considered, professional democrats have it pretty good. They get paid to work one day every two-to-four years, free food, free housing, discounted vehicles and all sorts of other perks. The job can be very stressful with all the hateful racist Teabaggers always criticizing their hard work, but in the end the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

So, if you're a child or adolescent who still isn't sure what you want to be when you grow up, you might want to take a look at becoming a professional democrat. With somewhere between 40% and 50% of Americans currently working as professional democrats, it is by far America's most popular profession. Once the Teabaggers and those stupid Republicans figure out how great it is to be a professional democrat, they'll want to jump on the bandwagon too, and America will finally be united as brothers in Marx.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Lazy 'Occupy Wall Street' Junkies Should Be Allowed to Starve (for the Good of the Country)

The lazy bums loitering in the streets of New York City (Wall Street, to be specific), Atlanta, GA, New Orleans, LA and other cities all across the United States, are an awfully pathetic bunch.  A loosely affiliated mixture of left wing radicals such as communists, anarchists, fascists and other sinister liberal groups, the one common trait shared by all of the Occupy Wall Street hooligans is that they would all prefer to spend their time "protesting" in the street against people who actually have jobs, work for a living and succeed, than get jobs themselves.  Their reason?  Because those people --- the evil Wall Street ne'er do wells --- have more money than they do.

They want everyone else to do all their work for them, as well as give them all the money the people who perform who work earn.  These people (OWS thugs) are a shining example of why food stamps should be done away with.  These lazy junkies should be allowed to starve if they aren't willing to support themselves.

Occupy Wall Street Protesters: Lazy and Stupid
The fact that we as taxpayers are subsidizing these slobs to the point they can afford to remain perennially unemployed, protesting the working man and going weeks in between showers.  They never brush their teeth, have no desire to fit in to society, much less have to work for a living.  Yet they're alive nonetheless.  They don't deserve to be alive, yet they are, and the sole reason is because working people continue to feed them.

It's time to let the monumentally lazy starve.  The benefits of doing so for the country are multi-fold.  First, some of them will eventually begrudgingly get jobs, accepting that the realization of their greatest fear (having to work) is still better than being dead.  This will add to the supply side of the labor equation, which in the macro picture will help to reduce the cost of employing workers for businesses.  When the cost of doing business goes down, businesses are more likely to succeed and by greater margins, which will go a long way toward helping to reverse the Obama recession.

Other communists and anarchists will stay true to their core laziness, opting to die a martyr rather than get a job.  This will reduce the number of democrat voters, which will make it harder for democrats to get elected, which will reduce their numbers in the House and Senate.  Less democrats in Congress means a fast economic recovery, further building upon the gains resulting from the reduced cost of doing business.

The elimination (or at minimum drastic reduction) of the Federal Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAPS, or "food stamps") will allow for all the billions of dollars required to feed the lazy to be used to help pay off America's debt, lowering interest rates and helping to curb the global financial panic.  This will help usher in a new period of stability in the global markets, and America will be the the leadership role of one of the greatest economic turnarounds in the world's history.

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